you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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