Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
