i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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