you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
