I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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