Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
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I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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