my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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