I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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