He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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