living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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