I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
