my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Can I color on your dick again?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
