Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
