The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
