I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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