True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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