someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize