Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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