Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
