At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
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Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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