I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Are my feet made of real feet?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
