im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
