The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
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