so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
