shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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