I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
