you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
