You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I wish there were birth control emojis
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
