This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
