Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I want to walk on stilts...naked
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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