What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
