Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
