The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
