It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You've changed since you got that strap on
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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