you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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