if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
