I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
