Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It was like getting head from an anaconda
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize