I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
