Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
