She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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