i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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