bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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