I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We need to rekindle our bromance
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
