wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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