he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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