just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
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Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
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Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamasâ€¦.