i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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