I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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