i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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