life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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