YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
