Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
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If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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