there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
