Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
