I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
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apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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