If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
