running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
