I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
